An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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