While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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