Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
