i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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