i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
