She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Randomize
