girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
