My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
