so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
