i jhust puked up my retainher.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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