I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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