ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
