I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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