Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
