SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Randomize
