I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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