Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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