I wish I could punch you in the face.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
