We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Randomize
