There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
