ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
