I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
