i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I forget how to act sober
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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