I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Can I color on your dick again?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
