My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
