Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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