Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
