i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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