I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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