Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
