I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
