Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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