you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
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