I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
