hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
