It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
