Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
