I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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