well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Randomize
