Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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