I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
