There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
