He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
