i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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