I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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