After last night, I could never be a politician.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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