Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
