I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
