The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
