Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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