Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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