I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Randomize
