I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
