Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
