Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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